Therapy for People-Pleasing Tendencies

Most people have at least some people-pleasing habits…the important question is:

How healthy are your relational boundaries?

fawn hiding in tall green grass

fawn response…

People often don’t want to admit to their people-pleasing patterns, but the truth is almost everyone has some aspects of people-pleasing. It is nothing to be ashamed of & it’s a very common relational adaptation.

People-pleasing impacts healthy boundaries & relationships…so, while common, it should not be left unaddressed.

When people-pleasing is at the level of an attachment issue, we call that FAWN. Chronic fawning is a trauma response & makes you incredibly vulnerable to others who would take advantage.

people-pleasing…what are we talking about?

PEOPLE-PLEASING STYLES

What do you think about when you hear people-pleaser? Perhaps it’s the person who is always saying yes to requests & trying to meet the needs of everyone at their own expense. Yes, this is a PPing style…but it’s also:

  • The one who is highly-competent, perfectionistic & in some or most ways straining to be viewed as beyond-reproach (“un-fireable”)

  • The one who must be seen as “good” & moral, well-intentioned, liked by everyone

  • The one who is tracking the needs of everyone, anxiously anticipating other people’s emotions, moods & preferences

  • The one who wants to be seen as a hero, savior, who always has the answers, the smart one, wise & pure

  • The Golden One, an object for other people’s enjoyment via beauty or talent, the performer

  • The one who smiles no matter what their real internal feelings are

  • The one who uses empathy to know other people, but who does not participate in receiving

WHAT HAPPENS IN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SAY YES WHEN YOU MEAN NO…

Saying yes when you want or need to say no creates instant disembodiment & loss of trust with yourself. I know that sounds heavy & harsh, but it’s true. When we do it regularly we actually stop knowing what we want or need & lose contact with who we are.

Also, there are a good number of people out there who pick up on our incongruence which means we are often harming our relationships…NOT making them stronger.

Think about it…would you honestly enjoy it if a friend said yes to you when they really didn’t want to do something or disagree with you?

WHY IS PEOPLE-PLEASING SO COMMON?

I think one reason PPing is common in the West is our propensity toward black & white, good & bad thinking. When you want to be seen as “good” & always be liked you can easily lose the ability to define your own values & may cling to other people’s opinions. When you choose others over yourself, you are self-abandoning based on fear that you won’t be accepted or liked.

PPing is also a survival adaptation that emerges in childhood to please adults, gain praise & feel you have a place. It might have kept you safe to fawn & pretend you agreed with adults who were in charge of your care & safety. As a child you would have “looked up” to the adults in your life & tried to adopt their values. PPing is an attempt to feel a version of belonging.

THE HSP & EMPATH TRAP

HSPs are highly empathic, depth processers who can not help but track people & environments at a very high level. It is tempting to begin to predict other people’s needs, emotions & beliefs to try to mold yourself to please others, feel safe or win a mate when you are sensitive in this way. It’s a trap that is easy to fall into & there are plenty of people out there who would love to take advantage of someone who will hold ALL of the emotions in a relationship & take care of everything they don’t want to.

BUT IF I STOP SAYING YES…I’LL LOSE FRIENDS

I hear the fears all the time…”people will think I’m mean,” “I feel like an asshole when I say no,” “I won’t have any friends.” These are valid fears & I will say most people (even those who love you) don’t like a boundary where none has been before. It will be hard to change, but it will be worth it.

IN THERAPY WE FOCUS ON MAKING BOUNDARIES WITH YOURSELF & OTHERS…

& LEARN TO:

  • stop saying yes when you need to say no

  • reclaim your energy from feeling resentful

  • address your history & any relational trauma or adaptive patterns

  • learn to make & maintain boundaries

  • stay accountable for your own boundaries

  • create healthier relationships based in honesty

  • end crossing other people’s boundaries & taking on more than is appropriate

  • get more comfortable expressing your needs

  • know what you‍ ‍want & define your own values

  • understand if you are stuck in a victim identity

  • interrupt perfectionistic behavior

no more…death by a thousand cuts…

  • Gaslighting, Emotional & Psychological Abuse

    The feeling of walking on eggshells is an unsustainable situation. Toxic people use strategies that can be very predictable & identifiable once you know what they are. Empathic people may stick around a bit longer to be helpful to a toxic person or situation & before you know it…you feel trapped.

  • Boundaries with Narcissists & Emotionally Immature People

    A person does not need to be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder to express narcissistic qualities. Being in a relationship with an Emotionally Immature Person is exhausting. The sooner you can make boundaries to protect your energy, time & well-being, the better.

IN THERAPY I SUPPORT YOU TO:

  • learn to see the signs of emotional abuse

  • begin to heal from past abuse

  • learn to say NO in current situations & end toxic relationships

  • make boundaries with narcissists & emotionally immature people in your life

  • build confidence to identify gaslighting & other tactics quickly

  • rebuild your sense of SELF