LEARN TO SET & HOLD HEALTHY BOUNDARIES WITH YOURSELF & OTHERS
Therapy for People-Pleasing Tendencies
Most people have at least some people-pleasing parts…we are relational beings who develop various patterns for relating to others.
Sometimes the patterns do not encourage healthy boundaries. People-pleasing is one of these.
fawn response…
I think often people don’t want to admit to their people-pleasing patterns, but the truth is almost everyone has some aspects of people-pleasing. It is nothing to be ashamed of & it’s a very common relational survival adaptation.
People-pleasing impacts healthy boundaries & relationships…so, while common, it should not be left unaddressed.
When people-pleasing is at the level of trauma response, we call that FAWN. Chronic fawning makes you incredibly vulnerable to others who would take advantage.
people-pleasing…what are we talking about?
PEOPLE-PLEASING STYLES
What do you think about when you hear people-pleaser? Perhaps it’s the person who is always saying yes to requests & trying to meet the needs of everyone at their own expense. Yes, this is a PPing style…but it’s also:
The one who is highly-competent, perfectionistic & in some or most ways straining to be viewed as beyond-reproach
The one who must be seen as “good” & moral, well-intentioned, liked by everyone
The one who is tracking the needs of everyone, anxiously anticipating other people’s emotions, moods & preferences
The one who wants to be seen as a hero, savior, who always has the answers, the smart one, wise & pure
The Golden One, an object for other people’s enjoyment via beauty or talent, the performer
The one who smiles no matter what their real internal feelings are
The one who uses empathy to know other people, but who does not participate in receiving
WHAT HAPPENS IN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SAY YES WHEN YOU MEAN NO…
Saying yes when you want or need to say no creates instant disembodiment & loss of trust with yourself. I know that sounds heavy & harsh, but it’s true. When we do it regularly we actually stop knowing what we want or need & lose contact with who we are.
Also, there are a good number of people out there who pick up on our incongruence which means we are often harming our relationships…NOT making them stronger.
Think about it…would you honestly enjoy it if a friend said yes to you when they really didn’t want to do something or disagree with you?
WHY IS PEOPLE-PLEASING SO COMMON?
I think one reason PPing is common in the West is our propensity toward black & white, good or bad thinking. When you want to be seen as “good” & always be liked you can easily lose the ability to define your own values & feel your life is your own. When you choose others over yourself, you are self-abandoning based on fear that you’re a bad person. Yikes!
PPing is also a survival adaptation that emerges in childhood to please adults, gain praise & feel you have a place. It might have kept you safe to fawn & pretend you agreed with adults who were in charge of your care & safety. As you child you would have “looked up” to the adults in your life & tried to adopt their values. PPing is an attempt to feel a version of belonging.
THE HSP & EMPATH TRAP
HSPs are highly empathic, depth processers who can not help but track people & environments at a very high level. It is tempting to begin to predict other people’s needs, emotions & beliefs to try to mold yourself to please others, feel safe or win a mate when you are sensitive in this way. It’s a trap that is easy to fall into & there are plenty of people out there that would love to take advantage of someone who will hold ALL of the emotions in a relationship & take care of everything they don’t want to.
BUT IF I STOP SAYING YES…I’LL LOSE FRIENDS
I hear the fears all the time…”people will think I’m mean,” “I feel like an asshole when I say no,” “I won’t have any friends.” These are valid fears & I will say most people (even those who love you) don’t like a boundary where none has been before. It will be hard to change, but it will be worth it.
MAKE BOUNDARIES WITH YOURSELF & OTHERS
connect with the parts of you who are people-pleasing & free them from the past
stop saying yes when you need to say no
reclaim your energy from feeling resentful
learn to make & maintain boundaries
create healthier relationships based in honesty
end crossing other people’s boundaries & taking on more than is appropriate
get more comfortable expressing your needs
what if you’re in a toxic situation?
Wherever you are in your process…
trying to figure out if you are in a toxic situation or
wanting to leave a toxic relationship or
recovering from toxicity in your life…
no more…death by a thousand cuts…
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Gaslighting, Emotional & Psychological Abuse
The feeling of walking on eggshells is an unsustainable situation. Toxic people use strategies that can be very predictable & identifiable once you know what they are. Empathic people may stick around a bit longer to be helpful to a toxic person or situation & before you know it…you feel trapped.
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Boundaries with Narcissists & Emotionally Immature People
A person does not need to be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder to express narcissistic qualities. Being in a relationship with an Emotionally Immature Person is exhausting. The sooner you can make boundaries to protect your energy, time & well-being, the better.
the many faces of narcissism
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This is the person who can’t stop talking about themselves & their accomplishments. All narcissists desire praise, but this type will get down-right nasty if you don’t “kiss the ring.” The tend to appeal to people who are drawn to power & success, who want to be “rescued” by someone who “knows better.”
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This narcissist is possibly the hardest to spot, because they may very-well be a victim of something terrible. The issue is that this person can be offered ALL the help & somehow end up worse (according to them). This is the person who tells you about all their terrible ex-girlfriends & how every one of them abused them. They tend to appeal to those with high empathy who want to “save” people.
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This narcissist is often “doing good” in the world…& can’t stop making sure EVERYONE knows. This type loves to play the hero-rescuer & presents as having very high-ideals. They are often intelligent & enjoy attaching themselves with the cause of the day, so they can be popular & beloved. They tend to appeal to those who want to do something meaningful in the world & believe this type has “the answer.”
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This narcissist is moralistic & enjoys making rules, while often hiding that they are not following them. They are sitting in constant judgement of the behavior of others & thinking only in black & white terms. This type is often found in fundamentalist groups, strict religious communities & rigid institutions. They tend to appeal to those who are prone to “good & bad” idealism.
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This narcissist often completely neglects relationship while, possibly, doing well professionally or in some area of life. They don’t have time to offer attention & it is often said that people in their life begin to feel like “ghosts.” They appeal to those who already have beliefs that they don’t matter & a low sense of self-worth.
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This narcissist likely describes any violent dictator that ever existed…a person who had zero regard for human life except for their own will & desire. They do not hesitate to exploit any resource, any person or agreed-upon social morals. This type appeals to those who are equally sadistic & other anti-social personalities.
RECLAIM YOUR POWER
learn to see the signs of narcissistic abuse
begin to heal from past abuse
learn to say NO in current situations & to engage radical acceptance
make boundaries with narcissists & emotionally immature people in your life
build confidence to identify gaslighting & other tactics quickly
rebuild your sense of SELF
